Video Schpiel: Grime MC's

After the sheer awesomeness that was the Predator Rap: Pity Fox took down the video tho - anywyas you get the jist:



then there was the decent Robocap Rap



now from DJ Mayhem & MC Mouthmaster Murf - better known as The Anomalies - there's the 3rd part of their trilogy, Terminator 2:



them boys are decent.

just gonna throw these in too cos they're kinda similar

Die Hard by Guyz Nite



and Fett's Vette by the awesome MC Chris

FIlm Society Site

Here's the link to the very new Film Society of Coleraine site

http//www.uucfs.tk/

here's hopin it's a keeper

Musical Schpiel: Get This!!!

Seriously, if you don't have the album FEED THE ANIMALS by GIRL TALK you need to get it NOW - http//74.124.198.47/illegal-art.net/__girl__talk___feed__the__anima.ls___/ you can d/wl it for free too an i swear to god it'll be your party cd for the next while. here's what you can expect:

Build your own custom video playlist at embedr.com

you can watch all the rest of the vidoes yourself if you want

Film Review: Ned Kelly

Ned Kelly: It is a fucking goddamn annoying puzzle of a film. They could have had the makings of a really decent film here but somehow it manages to fall a bit short. The story, main cast and location are all perfect but it's missing that cutting edge - it could've used some better editing as there seems to be some pointless scenes thrown in just for the sake of it. I really hate films that could've have been great but fall short; whats the point in making a decnt film when glory is within touching distance? The Kelly gang themselves (Ledger, Bloom, Joel Edgerton & the two other lads) are fine and dandy and the story moves along at a good pace but then they throw in a Lady Chatterly-esque love story and it completley detracts from it all. The film slowly grinds to a halt, as if the producers suddenly realised there wasn't enough female interest in it. Maybe its the fact that Ledger & Naomi Watts fell in love on set that caused this change in pace but whatever it was it takes a bit away from the impact the ending should have had - i mean for fucks sake - its the end of Ned Kelly!!!! We all know what happens - we all remember the Weetabix ad! It should hit us fuckin harder - it should be a big colossal motherfuckin WHOOMP of an ending, but instead i was left feelin a bit let down - very patriotic but still let down. Speakin about bein patriotic i dunno if it happens anyone else but whenever i watch films with Irish characters and they're being persecuted i always feel a rise in my blood, be it Some Mothers Son, the bit in Titanic when they wouldnt unlock the gates of even in this. I watched this bout 4 in the morn an my blood was fuckin goin at the treatment of us by the fuckin Victorian police! Fuckin bastards!!!!! Anyways, the film is half- decent, it could've been good but instead its just decent. The cast are very good it must be said and even though the accents wabble around sometimes it would make ideal viewing for a 9 o clock sunday night film on Tv. Disappointingly enjoyable. 2.5 /5

Film Review: Watchmen

Watchmen: It's been reviewed a million times already so i'll keep it sweet. If you know nothing about this film it doesn't really matter; go into it knowing that it is not a superhero film but rather a mystery and you'll be fine. If you are aware of the Watchmen world then know that the could never keep everything true and that we should be thankful for small miracles that Hollywood didn't completely destroy its legacy. I enjoyed it though a few bits and pieces didn't ring true. Jackie Earle Haley & Jeffrey Dean Morgan are fuckin great - but then again only a moron could've fucked up such great roles. This film doesn't fall into the superhero category which will no doubt annoy the movie-goers who are expecting such a film and will disappoint the hardcore fans who will have wanted more. In between them both there is a subsect of viewers who are content that while this film could've been a lot better -it could've been a hell of a lot fucking worse too. Go see it knowing what to expect. Enjoyable if you are aware of it. 3/5

Video Schpiel: A Tribute To Nic

Nic Cage doing here what he does best.
Which is earn tons of money for some shocking acting.
Still tho, it's Nic Cage, we're still good.







if you've seen KNOWING you'll recgonise this next clip which involves Nic hittin a defenseless tree with a baseball bat



and his newest one - Bad Lieutenant: Port Of Call New Orleans



God bless you Nic Cage, I hope you never stop making films. EVER.

Video Schpiel: Even if you had MC Hammer and them 357 Bitches

Film Review: I Am Legend

I Am Legend: I fucking hate films that are great for the first half then just seem to die an uninteresting slow death in the second. Maybe its the curse of Will Smith as Hancock did the same thing. This film is a sunday night film and i did not view it as anything other than that. In a few measly years the film will be forgotten - already the CGI looks ridiculous. When it was just him on his own it was grand, when it was him doing other things not involving being on his own i couldnt have cared less. Maybe they should've got Kevin James to be in this and then i wouldve bumped it up a grade. Instead it was just another film that i ultmately felt let down by. I know theres an alternative ending out there and talk of a sequel (or prequel) in the works but i have absolutely no interest i finding out anything about either. Bleurgh!!! 2 / 5

Here's the Alternative Ending (i hope) too for those yet to see it. (well, i hope it is the alternative ending anyways - either way the movie still sucks donkey nuts). So there.

I Am Legend - Original Ending Movies & TV SPIKE.com

Next On The List: The Tournament

Synopsis : Every seven years in an unsuspecting town, The Tournament takes place. A battle royale between 30 of the world's deadliest assassins. The last man standing receiving the $10,000,000 cash prize and the title of Worlds No 1, which itself carries the legendary million dollar a bullet price tag.



We shall see....

Video Schpiel: The Thrill Can Kill

Paul Reubens should have followed that advice.

Video Schpiel: I'm not chicken. You're a turkey.

Film Review: Clue

Clue: I don't remember how this came back into my head but it did! An by jove i'm fucking glad it did! Clue is a film set around the board-game Cluedo - involving a group of strangers tryin to solve a murder while not being killed off themselves. The cast is exceptional - really exceptional!!! They are funnier than i remember, Tim Curry is at his best as is Madeline Kahn, Lesley Ann Warren & Martin Mull. Everybody deserves a honourable mention in fact! This is a favourite childhood film of mine and even though it's aged a teeny-tiny bit, i still hadn't rememebred how great it was! Its great not seeing a film for so long that you actually forget the ending and i was more than pleasantly surprised when it all unravelled itself! If you havent seen this this and love good ensemble comedys with a hint of murder mystery then i can think of nothing better than this! A great film and a hark back to the glorydays of cinema! Smashing stuff. 3.5 / 5

Film Review: Red

Red: f*ck f*ck fuckitty f*ck!!!!!! Brilliant! Seriously spine-chillingly epic. Red is a film about one man - Brian Cox (who's fuckin unbelievable in this) who's dog, Red, gets killed by a local brat and who tries to make sense of it all. I didnt know really what to expect and the fact i've revealed the dog dies doesn't really matter as this is a story about one man who gets everything he loves taken away from him, and what he does to try and honour it's memory. Cox is really the only person in this film for long periods of time and he is fucking mesmerizing! Serioulsy, my fingers cant type fast enough to try an explain what a hidden gem of a film this is! It's so gut-wrenching (akin to the same feelin you would get while watching Eden Lake) and makes you so passionate about its subject matter that within the first fifteen minutes it was clear that this was something majestic. I was chattin to the ladyfriend about it and we came to the conclusion that if a human dies in the first ten minutes of a film the it can be sad, but when a dog dies its fucking tragic. A character in a film would need some kind of backstory to make us feel sympathetic to its demise but a dog already has the backstory - it is lovin, it is loyal, it is a protector and it is mans best friend. If someone kills a man it means nothing but if someone kills a dog then the are fucking disgraceful cunts. I cannot reccomend this film highly enough. I've seen a lot of films recently and this is right amongst the best of them. As i said before a true hidden gem of a film. Try and catch it if you can. 4 / 5

Film Review: Yes Man

Yes Man:Firstly i dont like Jim Carrey. Secondly i DO like Zooey Deschannel. Carrey does his annoying smug thing here -but only in moderation. Deschannel can bring tears to my eyes with her beauty. The films supporting cast are what makes it; Hyde, Murray from FOTC & Jack Bourdain are all class in it! Overall not a bad show but it definatley was made better by the amount of smokes i had. Enjoyable in a hazy lazy sunday blazed kinda way. 2. 5 /5

Film Review: The Barbarian Invasions

The Barbarian Invasions: I knew absolutley nothing about this film beforehand apart from i had to watch it as part of my course work. It is about a man travelling on his borrowed time and how he wants to tie-up everything in his life before he passes on from this world to the next. The language used is 90% french as therefore i associated the film as obviously being set in France, altho whenever they decide to get second opinions on his medical condition they would take him to America for consultation - they also talked english occasionally in strong american accents. I found all of this very confusing especially for a film i believed to be French. Anywyas at the end of the film i looked at our assignment brief and realised that this weeks lecture was on Québec cinema. It explained a fucking lot.
The film itself really simply breathtaking, the actors seem to have a genuine love for each other and it feels sometimes like the dialogue isnt scripted, but rather them just having genuine banter with each other. Apparently this is a sequel to Denys Arcand's The Decline of the American Empire with a majority of the same characters and actors portraying them returning and i am going to definately check that out too. Overall it is simply an amazing feeling to know nothing about a film but to completly become engulfed in it. If you have some spare time an want to watch a film with genuine emotion, full of good humour and with intelluctual thoughts a plenty then i highly recommend this. A fantastic gem of a film. 4.5 / 5

Film Review: X-Men Origins: Wolverine

X-Men Origins: Wolverine.
Firstly I love the X-men. Secondly until Singer left i thought the films were spotty dog. Thirdly even though it could be shite i'd still love anythign about them cos i think they're all kick ass. It didnt bother me that this film wasnt finished, in fact quite the opposite. I was a bit on the "gone" side while watching this an the unfinished scenes both confused me and humored me at the same time. The plot itself is semi-decent and the fights scenes exactly what you'd expect but some of the charcters are shockingly badly used. i mean SHOCKINGLY. watching the tralier you'd never believe what they do to some of them, now apparently there will be some extra footage in the finished print but overall they'd need a hell of a fucking step up from the streets to get this film at a reasonable decent level. For those that have seen the film check this out; http://www.postmodernbarney.com/2009/04/advance-spoilers/ I'd like to say i enjoyed this film for what it was but the fact i saw the rough cut version actaully made it more enjoyable than the finshed version would ever be - now what in boss hogs tarnation does that say about the film? Exactly. this is a popcorn braincandy of a half-made film. I'd recommened getting slightly fucked up and sititng down with a few mates to watch it and just laughing your tits off at it. A hellova poor attempt at a summer blockbuster and only really made enjoyable by the laughability factor at watching the unfinished cut. Semi-decent in halfway made kind of way. 2 /5

Film Review: Bolt

Bolt: I knew nothing but once again i was plesantly surprised at this. I didnt really recognise the voices but it didnt really matter at all - it was just such a lovely enjoyable visually stunning film that i actually felt like a child watching it again. I sat my nieces down and (for half an hour anywyas) they felt the exact same (they then got restless and went outside to find doo-doo) - it just is a delightful enjoyable film and its fuckin unbelievably great not to have to sit through something people have recommended only to find out its a fucking bint of a movie. it doesnt matter if you're young or old or whatever, this is a shout back to the originality and quality gold-seal of the originally cgi films released in the 90's. A thoroughly breathtaking cinematic experience regardless or not if i didnt recognise the voices. If you have kids then i highly recommend this. Great family fun. 3.5 / 5

Film Review: The Beach

The Beach: The worst film Danny Boyle has ever made. FACT. I hadn't seen this since it originally came out and i still don't like it now. I read the book long time ago an i felt the film never did it justice and instead became a vechicle for dicarryout to make a pretty boy name for himself after titanic. I still believe that to be correct. People always say that the books are always better than the films an it takes a strong film to transcend those boundaries, that is true and whats truer is the fact that this film IS FUCKING REGURGIATED DOGSHITE. I despise it and i despise the treatment it gave Garland's characters. I felt the same at the time and it refreshing to see the hatred levels have not wained in eleven years. Imagine if they made Catcher in the Rye and just completly changed Holden into what they believed would make a greater film for the unintelligent dumb-audiences who reallly wouldnt be there to see the film at all but rather to que up and to buy tickets to the newest Shia vehicle or Chris Pine film. The anger still rages on but nevertheless Robert Caryle & the scenary are both still great. I'd recommend reading the book instead. Visually stunning with no depth. Annonyingly poor. 1.5 /5

Film Review: I Love You Man

I Love You Man: Paul Rudd is the man! He is the man that we all love. This film should be called I Love You Paul Rudd. In my eyes he really can do no wrong -i'd say i enjoyed this more than Role Models and i really fucking enjoyed that! The banter between him and Segal is something so realistic its hard to put it into words -the scenes where they're trying to invent their own cool sayings to finish off conversations and Rudd is embarrasingly awful at it reminds me of past encounters and brings up tearful cringeworthy memories. "Its cool to be hip but its hip to be square" would be one past attempt at trying. I really enjoyed this film so much so that i put it on at about 3 am one night and myself and the ladyfriend loved it so much that we stayed awake throughout. I reckon that the sign of a good film is when you put it on when you're shockingly tired but because of its awesomeness it wont actually let you go to sleep and instead catches you and brings you along for the ride. The last film to do that when i was tired was The Mist and that had me sitting up in my bed at about 6 in the morning going "What the f*ck! What The f*ck!!!" now this obviously isnt like that but it did have the same level of entertainment quality that you want from a film - you want to be engaged by it and you want to be throughly entertained and I Love You Man certainly did both for me! I really would urge you to go and catch this an i know there is a lot of debates about how some people can like Superbad/Forgetting Sarah Marshall/Role Models/Pineapple Express well i liked them all and i FUCKING LOVED THIS so put that in your pipe and smoke it. a really fantastically enjoyable comedy full of a great supporting cast, witty banter and a friendship at the core that you can believe in. Good bromantic stuff altogether. 4 / 5

Film Review: Cannonball Run 1 & 2

Brilliant!!! Fucking great!!! C'est Incredible!!!!! I love these films! I know they're random and pointless and the majority of it seems to be ad-libbed but seriously any film with Burt Reynolds, Jamie Farr, Dom DeLuise, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr., Jack Elam, Jackie Chan plus a shockingly amazing array of supporting talent including Roger Moore, Telly Savalas, Tony Danza, Shirley MacLaine, Farrah Fawcett, Sid Caesar and Peter Fonda cannot fail in my eyes. Great for pointless viewing and Captain Chaos & the outtakes fucking rock the boombox too!!! Timeless fun to be had watching these! 3.5 /5 each!

Film Review: Sex Drive; Unrated

Sex Drive: Unrated: Shockingly this film was one of the funniest ive seen this year. REALLY! Big props to Mardsen - he completly stole the film and without a doubt the two funniest bits were with him. I watched the unrated edition even tho it said to not do that and it was a bit confusing as they left in a lot of the gaffs and ad-libs but overall i think that made it funnier - especially one of Mardsen's bits i didnt in anyway expect this to be good but it was much better than all those shitty american pie and scary movie movies they've been making recently - they actually had a bit of character depth and altho you ddnt have to wait long til the next crude sexual innuendo i really did not dislike any of the main characters and that made it all the more pleasurable viewing experience. A complete surprise of a film - definatley worth checking out (i know! i didnt think i'd be sayin that either!!!) 3/5

Film Review: The Children

The Children: Any film that makes you question what your 4 year old niece is really thinking and if she would indeed have enough power to ram a set of car keys through your eyes is definatley one that y'all should be checking out. By f*ck are these kids scary little monsters. It makes me wonder if all children actions are premediated through a series of evil fucking looks and it genuinely left me feeling a bit uneasy afterwards. Fucking creepy little bastards. I cant believe i thought my god-daughter could do half the things these kids do but i suppose that is the power of the movies when you can believe the unbelievable. This is a very low budget film set in some dainty english village around christmas time and basically in a nutshell the kids are little fuckers. Its not The Omen or anything but it is just creepy. I'd recommend watchin this late at night then afterwards, while on your way to the bathroom, having a chance meeting with your 4 year old niece in the hall and seeing how you deal with it. A very uneasing piece of celluoid. Catch it if you have young ones in the house. 2.5 / 5

Film Review: The Uninvited

The Uninvited; I knew absolutley nothing about this other than the hottie outta Lemony Snickett was in it. You can tell its based on the crazy japanese boyos basically because its well, crazyily japanese. Im not gonna say a lot about it other than it is very good at building up the suspense and making you feel weirded out. Its very much like a dectective film in the way it slowly unravels its plot. It passed a few hours and it is definately better than some of the "horror" films being released. By no means a classic and i'd hazard a guess that its not a patch on the original but still enjoyable enough that you can watch while holding your loved one near and being the big strong brave lad by protecting her -while biting your nails at the same time There's better out there but if you're stuck for ideas then its not a bad time-filler. 2.5 / 5

Film Review: Donkey Punch

Donkey Punch: Arrrrrrrgh! For some reason there is a part of me that sits down to these types of films and genuinely believes they'll be decent. This is another film in the long line of complete fuckin tripe that i've wasted my time watchin. I couldnt give a flying f*ck about any of the characters, the acting was one notch above what you'd see in hollyoaks in the city, the story was fuckin ridiculous and overall this has to be one the most pointless excuses for a film in recent years. Just becuase its called Donkey Punch and revolves around a sex act doesnt make it worthwhile viewing. I warn people to stay away from this film - you will never get your time back if you sit down an watch this fucking bell-end of a film. The disgust and spite i have for myself for watching it is never going to leave me but as long as i can warn at least one other then it wont have been in vain. It is too late for me. Save yourself and leave me here to rot with the stench of Donkey Punch rising up through the trenches. Pisspoor. 0.5 / 5

Film Review: Ace Ventura Jr

Kill em now. Fucking hell. I do wonder if alcohol impares my judgement slightly. This movie is sh*t. It makes Son of Mask look like Hamlet. If you ahve a choice between dying and watching this then i'd watch this but if the choice was killing a goldfish and watching this i would go sharpen the shank now. Knowing my luck they'd probably show this as my last rights film and the torture would never end. If i got stuck on a desert-island and this was the only film i would have and i had to re-populate the planet and kill the monkey leader all if i watched it then i wouldnt. Cos its sh*t. Avoid. Actually destroy your computer after even hearing about it. I feel ashamed that im spreading it word. Imagine if you had to eat regurgiated dogfood of the bride of wildenstein's face - that would be better than this. Pathethic. 0.5 / 5

Film Review: The Chumscrubber

The Chumscrubber: jesus - if there's ever a film that makes me realise why i enjoy the world of cinema so much then this is without a doubt it. A perfectly blended sculpture of perfection. A cast to die for - big props to Fiennes & Close too for under-selling their characters so fantastically - many others wouldn't have been able to pull off the trials and tribulations their characters go through with such aplomb. Lou Taylor Pucci, Justin Chatwin, William Fitchner, Carrie Anne-Moss (wowzer), John Heard & Rita Wilson are all on top form - even little bit part roles like the ones played by Lauren Holly, Jason Issacs & Rory Culkin are sold to perfection. The star of the show though is without a doubt Jamie Bell - he is fast joining my list of actors who can do no wrong, and he aces the yank accent to a T and is throughly enigmatic throughout. Who would ever have thought that Billy Elliott was so fuckin talented?
The story is, i suppose, Dazed & Confused meets Happiness meets Alpha Dog meets Requiem For A Dream. It's about kids & adults, drugs & depression, being lost & looking to be found, weddings & funerals and deaths & marriages. It's a fantastic ensemble piece where i can say truthfully that every single actor brings their A-game.
It left me feeling one of those "i fuckin loved that" feelings after- and its a rare movie can do that at the best of times and this is exaclty that - a rare movie, full of wonder and brilliance, performances you could only wish for, with a script that keeps bubbling away at a relentless pace successfully intertwining all the stories and ultimately leaving you (well, me at least) throughly satisfied at the end. I reckon that it could definately do with a second watch too as there's so much going on it wouldn't do it justice to watch it only once. I fucking loved this film and for somebody who's bored that wants to kill an hour and a half then i couldnt think of a better film to recommend than this ensemble piece. Enjoyably epic. 4 / 5

Film Review: Rear Window

Rear Window: I'd never seen it before but i had seen it spoofed in both The Dectectives & The Simpsons - they didn't really ruin anything cos its pretty obvious what was going to happen. The film's excitement is from the suspense that constantly builds throughout. Jimmy Stewart's brilliant in this but everytime i see him in anything i can only picture Elwood P. Dowd - i love Elwood so much cos he really is one of cinema's greatest characters but yeah he's James Stewart so i cannot fault him in this either - or anywhere tbh. Grace Kelly is so fuckin hot too - i never realised how much of a complete stunner she is! No wonder she married a prince - she deserved to be a princess cos she's right up there with Audrey Hepburn in the quality totty stakes. 4 stars alone for you Grace Kelly - you go Grace Kelly.
There really isnt a lot that happens in this film apart from Hitchcock building up the suspense in much the same way as he did in Spellbound (which i watched last week). He does seem to get the best out of his actors though - for a while i was worried Grace Kelly wouldn't actually do anything but thankfully her part got much juicier in the second half of the film and thats when she came into her own. The script is very tight and there isn't a hell of a lot of filler so that makes it seem a hellova lot shorter than it actually is. Took me ages to realise that the man they were watching was Ironside - i can only imagine where Mark was during all this, no doubt prepping the chair as usual.
Overall this is another very well made Hitchcock production - not exactly the classic i was expecting but still a fuckin deadly movie thats a million miles better than the majority of shite being made ever since.
Very glad i finally got around to watching it and would definately recommend it to all. 4 / 5

Film Review: G.I. JOE

Firstly its directed by Stephen Sommers so that should really say it all regarding what kind of film it is - fun, stupid & pointless.
It has a great cast for a film of this genre including notable appearences by Jonathan Pryce, Arnold Vosloo & Dennis Quaid. Sienna Miller & Rachel Nichols (the green sex-alien from Star Trek) look hawt-to-trot in their respective uniforms, the Wayans lad does the 'comedic side-kick' routine to a T & the main lad Channing Tatum is just another hero crusining through life trying to make his face seem less animatronic.
Christopher Eccleston is Christopher Eccleston as the (ooooooooh) baddie of the film but the thing thats fries my head is the complete injustice to the actual G.I. JOE cartoon/comic books of old. I am well aware that not everybody is as fucking sad as me and i wont try an give anything away for those who actually care (there may be one so f*ck off) but the whole Destro thing is so far off the mark its horrendous - not to mention the relationship between Snake Eyes & Storm Shadow OR the brief way they deal with Dr. Mindbender OR the details they leave out about everybody - especailly Zartan OR the way they include made-up sh*t about everybody including Zartan OR the fuckin sh*t between the Duke & The Baroness.

Most annoyingly they take Joseph Gordon-Levitt ( a reasonably well known actor) cover him in a fuckin mask in the pathethic attempt to a) let him play the series' ultimate bad guy and hope we forget all about it even though b) every scene he's in you can recognise him and c) hope we won't remember he's in it even though YOU CAN SEE HIM ON THE FUCKING POSTER!

There is more things they f*ck up UNBELIEVABLY but i wont bother to say them all here cos for any other fan it'll be annoying and for the rest of the population it wont matter.

To put it in terms the uneducated / uncaring may understand - Imagine Red Dwarf.
Now imagine Holly isnt actually Holly but instead Kryten.
And they've changed Holly to one of the dispensing machines.
And instead of Kryten being a robot he's really just a sick man who's lost his hamster - but really he hasnt and he's actually brainwashed the hamster into thinking its lost.
Now imagine Lister & Kochanski aren't in love but instead Kochanski loves Rimmer. Who in turn only loves himself.
Next take the history of Rimmer and Lister except instead of them constantly bickering they now are more annoyed about the current economic climate and having to vote again on the Lisbon Treaty.
Lastly make sure they're not on Red Dwarf at all but instead on an Bus Eireann bus thats currently being used in an advert and spends all day driving around the fucking car-park looking for the perfect fucking shot of that madra rua.
All in CGI.

It's enjoyable, really it is, its not true to the history of G.I. JOE but its a Stephen Sommers film so what else can i say apart from it's perfect for a lazy, hazy, couldn't be arsed goin crazy sunday afternoon mindless action-flick. 2.5 / 5

Film Review: Stan Helsing

I dunno why but Stan Helsing looked kinda like it could be ok to me - even the trailer made it seem like it might be a time-killer at worst.
I was wrong. So wrong. i've never been more wrong in fact. this was the wrong kiss goodnight. the wrong good friday. the loneliness of the wrong distance runner even. It was face-slapping, head-shaking, eye-gougingly terribly fuckin awful.
God forgive me for watching this. it wouldnt ever end. horrible horrible film. a time-killer. an energy-zapper. a cock-blocker. a game-over. a blocked toilet full to the brim would've been more entertaining than this sh*t.
i hereby promise i will never EVER watch anything that has ANYTHING to do with ANYBODY who is in ANYWAY connected to the scary movie franchise EVER AGAIN. And this time im sticking to it. FOREVER.
A woeful film. absolutely woeful like. avoid. 0 / 5

Film Review: Meet Bill

Aaron Eckhart certainly knows how to choose them. With any other actor i don't think this film would've been half as good as it is with him. Much like Thank You For Smoking after you've finished it you think he was perfect for the part - but then the realisation hits that he's pretty much perfect for any part.
I see he's in some schmaltzy fucking film with Aniston now but he's done that before with CZ-J in No Reservations and he still was watchable in that so fingers crossed. He deserves much better for he truly is a talented motherfucker.

Anyways the film: well there is really nothing spectacularly new or innovative about Meet Bill - it's just another story of a man who's been pushed around too much in his life and finally learning to deal with it. It's a typical under-dog comes good film you would normally see on a sunday evening and i enjoyed watching it because of it.

God bless Eckhart too for he actually makes you believe in Bill and more importantly you want to cheer him on in his fight, no matter how useless he is at it all. While i'll never been a fan of Elizabeth Banks what she does here she does well, which is to mainly cavort around in her underwear. I still wouldnt rate her too highly tho - there something about her dead church eyes i just dont trust. I dunno why she even has a career cos she brings f*ck all to anything.
The rest of the supporting cast are supportively grand throughout including Jessica Alba & Logan Lerman (Bobby outta the underappreciated tv show Jack & Bobby) and its always a pleasure to see Kristen Wiig & Jason Sudeikis together in anything tho they're barely in it - but what little matertial they have they use it admirably.

If there's something better you really wanna see then by all means go for it but if you dunno what to watch and enjoyed Eckhart in TYFS then my recommendation would be for this. It's not got big-gigantic belly-laughs, nor does it have any explosions or in fact anything really to write home about - it is what it is - which is a relaxed-paced, enjoyable little film that'll leave you feeling pleasantly content after its over. Another stellar Eckhart performance. 3 / 5

Film Review: Worlds Greatest Dad

I really cant stand Robin Williams but he wasn't his usual gurning self in this - i still dont like him but i was glad i watched this and that was mainly beacuse of him. Basically its about a father an son who dont get along - nothing really happens at first but slowly some odd stuff followed by more crazy goings-on happen and there's no point in going to much into it suffice to say that happily enough it left me feeling somewhat satisfied at the end. Its been a long time since a Robin Williams film did that to me. I dont want to big him up too much tho cos i still dont like him. His son is played by the boy in Spy Kids and he more than handles his own in this too - albeit eqquipped with some fuckin grotesque fuckin language, but i guess that the point of the film. The T.I.L.F. (teacher i'd like to f*ck) is suitable sexy and the rest of the supporting cast only really come into their own about halfway through. There's a few funny moments but they are few and far between - more interestingly is the dynamics between father and son and trying to understand the reasons why exactly he has claim to be the worlds greatest dad. Its not overly long and i suggest you check it out if there's f*ck all else you're doing this weeked (not say like going to a music festival). Oh yeah and its directed by Zed from Police Academy 2, 3 & 4 - if that means anything to anybody. A suprisingly suprising film, especially considering it stars Robin Williams. 3 / 5

Lyrical Schpiel: Lost My Baby

I lost my baby bout a year ago
What did I do and where did she go?
She went to the store or so she said
But she never came home with my cigarettes

I drove around all day in my pick-up truck
I couldn’t find my baby I was all shook up
I looked in her daddy’s and her momma’s too
But I couldn’t find my baby now what can I do?

The next thing you know and I’m a drivin' so slow
I’m looking at everybody an they all know
I’ve lost my baby and they can’t help me
Somebody told me “Boy, she just wants to be free”

I’ve been checkin' all the rooms at all the motels
Goin' to every door and ringing the bell
I’m going everywhere so she might find me
I just want, my baby back so I can be happy

I’m puttin' up a picture in every lamppost on town
I’ll pay anybody that can bring her around
Every last dollar that I ever had
Cos I need my baby, need my baby, need her so bad

I keep thinking I see my baby in every corner in town
I’m driving through the night until the sun goes down
Sleep with one eye open with my foot on the gas
Cos I’m lookin' for my baby on every corner I pass

Chorus:
I lost my baby (he lost his baby)
Bout a year ago (bout a year ago)
I lost my baby (he lost his baby)
Bout a year ago (bout a year ago)

Since I lost my baby I’m at the bar every night
Drinkin' lots of whiskey, smoking Marlboro Lights
Now I’m telling the barman bout my blues and my past
He says “You’re not gonna find your baby at the bottom of a glass”

Wake up in the morning with my same damn clothes
Thinking about my future all my friends an my foes
Picked myself up an’ I walk through the door
I gotta leave this town cos I can’t stay here no more

Chorus:
I lost my baby (he lost his baby)
Bout a year ago (bout a year ago)
I lost my baby (he lost his baby)
Bout a year ago (bout a year ago)

Pulled up at a diner for some soda and chips
’Bout 20 miles south of Route 66
Sittin' in the corner an’ guess who’s on the TV?
If it wasn’t my baby girl singing a song about me

Said she’d ran away cos she’d had enough
Sick of my drinkin', smokin’ and my pick up truck
Said she really loved me but she had to go
And “If you wanna find me now I’ll be in Mexico”

FIN

Lyrical Schpiel: Narc

I like the pain when it makes you complain,
Fly my aeroplane ‘til it bursts into flames,
Don’t matter if you’re Clark Kent or Lois Lane,
I’ll destroy your buildings and make insurance claims.

I killed Christopher Reeve and I’m after Dean Cain,
They tried to step to me without a rap name,
Cos me and you, you see, we just ain’t the same,
I’m white spirits and you’re a little stain.

Parents don’t lay the blame at the feet of Mary-Jane,
You’re ignoring criminal’s, racists and even Billy Zane,
And kids if you’re gonna complain,
It’s the drugs that you’re doing that you must not name.

Don’t be a pain if you can’t purchase cocaine,
Look at Corey Haim he had a sex change!
I said he liked Gene Kelly, you said I was insane,
Now who’s out there singing in the rain?

FIN

Lyrical Schpiel: New 4200

Powerful prescriptions prescribed by chameleons,
Means it’s likely the shiser’ll have you hanging by the ceiling,
Demented dyslexics dreamin about dysentery,
All of this leaves you similarly looking for sympathy.

Accounted for and present in a hybrid element,
Of car crash memorabilia designed by an elephant.

Arrogance is a lovely subsidiary,
Of pragmatic priests studying elementary,
School French - under false pretence,
Designed by the government to charge for refreshments.

You know I never meant to hurt you baby,
Just went mad in the car from driving you crazy,
And lately it seems everything is hazy,
Met a dodgy geezer who sorted me out in the ladies.

Fuckin madness it was - $3.50 because,
The bank took the cheque but it rebounded of us,
Didn’t get tipped soft more like ripped off,
Learned from Chris Tarrant all about that fake cough.

Nowadays it’s more like painful torture,
Can’t spell anything need Carol Voderman on recorder,
Objection your honor that’s statements out of order,
Carol can’t be present cos she’s presenting undercover.
FIN

Lyrical Schpiel: Ode to 72

Come on Eileen is there no catch?
Like Gremlins 2 this is a new batch,
No copyright laws infringed or attacked,
Like Siamese twins no longer attached.

Or crack babies off their faces on smack,
Like Jack White’s mutual respect for Jack Black,
Sneak up on them both; give them both heart attacks,
Run away laughing at how glue sniffing’s back!

And I’ll sit in my room with a cunning plan,
I’ll learn to drive - kill them both with a van,
An epileptic who’s skin’s contraband,
Switch double flip up ah shit nice one man.

And that’ll be it and no one will quit,
Cos my brain is full of that krazy mad shit,
That keeps me alive but frightens me how,
I want Jessica Biel, Tandy and Simpson here now.

And that’s about it for a little while,
I’ll bid you adieu, sign off with a smile!

Lyrical Schpiel: Respiratory

Conjugal visit’s for Siamese twins,
With midgets and triplets the adventure begins

It’s a nice little story for people who’re boring,
And try to pronounce the word respiratory.

It fucks up your lungs and vocabulary system,
It fucks up your ears so you can’t even listen.

It fucks up your tenses and all of your senses,
You’ll burn down the world and leave only fences.

It fucks up your brain and part of your eye,
How ironic vitreous humor’s what makes you cry.

It’s not funny or good or great or fantastic,
The only band you’ll join will be made by elastic.

So fuck off, jog on; get lost for a while,
We’re recording an album, go walk the 8-mile.

Lyrical Schpiel: Tigers and Kaisers

I’ve been cruising through life like a hypnotist
Making alien life forms inspect my inner bliss
It’s cos I’m swift like a protagonist
Don’t tell me Drew Barrymore ain't Never Been Kissed

So c’mon c’mon and let your face taste my fist
You can be America and I can be a terrorist
What is this? You think I’ll try and miss?
Don’t try and diss you fucking mentalist

See this is tranquilizers tigers and motherfucking synthesizers
I’m like a bipolar pole when you hear my lyrical conscribers
Musically me and Helen Hunt’ll sneak up behind your mum and surprise her
See we’re Mad About You cos you fight just like Paul Reiser

While I’m at it I’ll inspect your new lobotomy
An I’ll full frontal execute on top of those on top of me
No-one spotted me as I escaped with your pottery
It’s not your fault your homemade crockery is a mockery

Reluctantly I’ll move like a spiritual, lyrical, Para metaphysical
Hysterical fool, jacked up to near critical
It’d be a miracle if I live to see my next physical
But I’m typical like that when the alpha-omega becomes visible

I’m a fizzable taste on the worlds tongue
From the start of my life I knew the war was won
Once fallen and now they all succumb
Bringing peace and love to the sound of my drum

How’d I do it? I thought you’d never ask
See I got passed on the first draft but now it’s my time to pass
Smoke your cancer sticks boys cos here comes the nuclear blast
And me an the cockroaches are the only thing to last

When there’s nothing left but love and Billy Zane
There’ll still be people crashing other people’s expensive planes
In to other peoples expensive buildings in the rain
An me and Zeppelin will shout out The Song Remains The Same

This could be written fifty years into the past
But the future generation wouldn’t pay heed to this year’s class
For life’s all about figuring problems from first day until last
An we’re judged by who drives the ship and who sits alone in the mast

Maybe words aren’t as powerful as they used to be
Maybe Drew Barrymore's career died after E.T
Maybe Hunt and Reiser didn’t want to end up on TV
And maybe Billy Zane shoulda died.

Fin

Video Schpiel: Trigalong - My Breakdown

First video since the band split up. Liam's solo effort debut entitled 'My Breakdown'.

Film Review: Martyrs

I knew absolutely nothing about this apart from i've had it for ages and today of all days at one o clock neighbours time i decided to plump with it. If you know nothing of this film i implore you to seek it out and whatever else you do - DO NOT FIND OUT ANYTHING ABOUT IT. I had no idea at all what to expect and as a result of that the viewing experience it was all the more brilliant. Films such as this one linger on in your system and it already has played on my mind throughout the day much more than anything i can rememeber for a long time. It's a horror film, but it's not, but yet it is. Its something that you're better walking into knowing sweet f*ck all and leaving afterwards thankful that you did. By far one of the most compelling films i have seen this year - or maybe ever. Extremely highly recommended. 4 / 5

Film Review: Meet The Spartans

I watched the first 20 mins & turned it off. Fucking patheticly rubbish SHITE!!! inside the first 5 mins we had puke & fart jokes. I reckoned that one of these types of films has to be decent sometime and but this is not it. It may be superhero movie or disaster movie cos i havent seen them but it sure as f*ck isnt any of the others. Pile of dogwank. Dont even look at the poster of it anymore. Turn your tv off and burn it for even having seen Aidan dressed as One Two. Piss Poor after 20 mins - so Brian Wilson only knows how bad it'll be by the end. Avoid. 0 / 5

Film Review: Ninja Terminator

Ninja Terminator is soooooooooo fuckin epically brilliant!!!!

Firstly the main character's real name is Bruce Stallion and that alone should make you realise that Ninja Terminator is fucking class :-D

The plot is totally pointless except to say that there is another hero in the film called Jaguar1 and he seems to spend his time getting into fist-fights for no apparent reason.

For instance - he walks up to a group of polite fellows and asks them where the nearest diner is - and they just go ahead and tell him they "don't like his sort eating around here" and proceed to attack him for no fucking reason whatsoever.

It really is Class!!!!

You can probably pick Ninja Terminator up in any secondhand shop.

It'll be there.

Seriously.

Go and look if you don't believe me.

When you do purchase it you will realise that it is well worth the 3 quid and you have made a brand new friend in Bruce Stallion & Jaguar1.

Oh yeah and there is a killer robot toy-thingy too but i don't want to say too much more in case i spoil the overall awesomeness of it - and that's not even mentioning that the whole movie feels like two (or three) random films sliced together. Badly.

Ninja Terminator also features epic 80's body hair, terrible lip-synching and random Bruce Stallion costume changes for no reason.

In conclusion Ninja Terminator is simply brilliant.

A Complete Must See. Highly recommended 4.5 / 5

Film Review: Tormented

hey kids. did you like totally heart skins? like not the first two series' cos they were so passe but the richard series - the one with cook - wasn't that like the tina turner of them all. the big daddy kane. the el nino of the hdtv dvd blu-ray experience.! well you'll totally adore the stone roses outta Tormented. it's filled the the brim of your favourite quotes 'as if' ! Ahahahahahaha. 'Lame'. LOL (i serge gainsborough'd the 'lol' outaa that). And all your - nicole kidman, ghostly horror film with kids who cant step into sunlight - ones too. oh yeah and its got Michelle & Jal playin so far against type - they're showing their emotional depth in this by "acting". in one scene they drink shots of vodka - that'd never happen in skins. they'd be drinken slippery nipples and lashing down farmers daughters all night. oh and they're smoking & fighting & taking hard drugs like cannabis too. james dean hasn't got a bikes insurance on them! wowzer. an because this film is british made its soooooooooooooo much better than anything we've ever charlie sheen. the topline new range on show here is a john travolta performance circa 1996 - PHENOMENON bbz!!! oh how the victor meldrew's have changed- this is our braveheart, cos we all talk & act like brats. cos 'they' know different. Ordinary fucking people. I hate them. The films a "slasher movie for the skins generation" and by that they mean its a fucking inane waste of anyone with half a brain's time. it is so pretentious - like THIS is what young people want. Granted i am no longer classed as 'young' but how in 5 fucking years have we gone from Adaptation, Panic Room, The Bourne Identity, Punch Drunk Love, 28 Days Later & City Of God to a world where films like this this & Donkey Punch actually get released? Makes me fuckin ashamed. This piece of fuckin sh*t wants to be so fuckin cool, it wants to be 'right now', it's self-referential - like a character in the film thats SCREAMING for attention and affection. Or two put it in terms us fogies will understand - a fly hovering over a glass of Shiraz that we weakly try to swot away with our half finshed Guardian crossword. No harm to the creators but if you're gonna be an in-the-moment type film dont have two Vines song in the space of 5 mins - destroys your cred, well, what little of it you had to start off with. It was probably writen by 2 lads in their 30's who like nothing more than chatting about how much the new Bob Dylan album is so much better than anything he's done since selling out to Starbucks recently and how Chesney Hawkes is very-much an under-appreciated solo artist and not at all a one hit wonder. jesus -i fuckin hated this film, popular kids bully fat kid - fat kid dies - comes backs and kills them all. That's it man, game over man, game over! Game over and we're all still left with that fuckin sour taste of another disappointing piece of sh*t film lingering in our mouths. The one saving grace was - actually, no, not even the schoolgirls uniforms make up for it. This was Sharon fuckin Stone type Diabolique. I actually fast forwarded thru a sex-scene it was that fuckin bad. yes. A sex-scene. i never thought in a million years i would be ever admitting to that. i knew by then there wouldnt be anything to gain by watching it an had already realised that no nudity would be on show. Avoid this film. It is not funny, nor scary, nor indeed good in any way, shape or form. it is atrocious. really. 0 / 5