Film Review: G.I. JOE

Firstly its directed by Stephen Sommers so that should really say it all regarding what kind of film it is - fun, stupid & pointless.
It has a great cast for a film of this genre including notable appearences by Jonathan Pryce, Arnold Vosloo & Dennis Quaid. Sienna Miller & Rachel Nichols (the green sex-alien from Star Trek) look hawt-to-trot in their respective uniforms, the Wayans lad does the 'comedic side-kick' routine to a T & the main lad Channing Tatum is just another hero crusining through life trying to make his face seem less animatronic.
Christopher Eccleston is Christopher Eccleston as the (ooooooooh) baddie of the film but the thing thats fries my head is the complete injustice to the actual G.I. JOE cartoon/comic books of old. I am well aware that not everybody is as fucking sad as me and i wont try an give anything away for those who actually care (there may be one so f*ck off) but the whole Destro thing is so far off the mark its horrendous - not to mention the relationship between Snake Eyes & Storm Shadow OR the brief way they deal with Dr. Mindbender OR the details they leave out about everybody - especailly Zartan OR the way they include made-up sh*t about everybody including Zartan OR the fuckin sh*t between the Duke & The Baroness.

Most annoyingly they take Joseph Gordon-Levitt ( a reasonably well known actor) cover him in a fuckin mask in the pathethic attempt to a) let him play the series' ultimate bad guy and hope we forget all about it even though b) every scene he's in you can recognise him and c) hope we won't remember he's in it even though YOU CAN SEE HIM ON THE FUCKING POSTER!

There is more things they f*ck up UNBELIEVABLY but i wont bother to say them all here cos for any other fan it'll be annoying and for the rest of the population it wont matter.

To put it in terms the uneducated / uncaring may understand - Imagine Red Dwarf.
Now imagine Holly isnt actually Holly but instead Kryten.
And they've changed Holly to one of the dispensing machines.
And instead of Kryten being a robot he's really just a sick man who's lost his hamster - but really he hasnt and he's actually brainwashed the hamster into thinking its lost.
Now imagine Lister & Kochanski aren't in love but instead Kochanski loves Rimmer. Who in turn only loves himself.
Next take the history of Rimmer and Lister except instead of them constantly bickering they now are more annoyed about the current economic climate and having to vote again on the Lisbon Treaty.
Lastly make sure they're not on Red Dwarf at all but instead on an Bus Eireann bus thats currently being used in an advert and spends all day driving around the fucking car-park looking for the perfect fucking shot of that madra rua.
All in CGI.

It's enjoyable, really it is, its not true to the history of G.I. JOE but its a Stephen Sommers film so what else can i say apart from it's perfect for a lazy, hazy, couldn't be arsed goin crazy sunday afternoon mindless action-flick. 2.5 / 5