Film Review: Django Unchained

Going against the grain in so much as that I did not seem to enjoy Django Unchained as much as the rest of the people out there in the world.

While it is true that I very much taken while watching Django Unchained, I think Quentin Tarantino has only made a semi-cohesive series of 10 minute shorts - as opposed to an actual full length film. Some scenes feel like they were randomly put in the film- mostly for comedic value - and this did not work for me at all. Some other scenes were just so out of place it made no logic at all and added nothing to the grand spectacle that is Django Unchained. There seemed to be a mish-mash of what was actual necessary to the plot and what was disposable.

Perhaps Tarantino could use a better editor to shorten these overblown masterpiece's down to a more reasonable, viewer-friendly cut and save the pompous bloated edition for the Director's Cut on DVD. There is a good two hour film in there somewhere but Tarantino just needs to whittle out the crap and concentrate on producing the best film he can produce. If he can not actually do this then he needs someone beside him with the testicular fortitude who can.

EDIT: After investigating deeper it has come to my attention that long-time Tarantino collaborator and editor Sally Menke passed away in 2010 so that could indeed explain my feelings towards the overblown Django Unchained.

Also I thought the whole film was very musically heavy, like Tarantino could not go from one scene to another without using some sort of irregular choice of song. Yes, you are smart, we know. Just make the fucking movie though and stop trying to sell us the CD too.

With his previous track record of musically inclined films it felt like he was pastiching himself as I counted three consecutive songs back to back. That is terribly unprofessional film-making anywhere yo go - it does not matter if you are Quentin Tarantino or the director of a TV soap-opera, you just do not do that sort of thing. Ever. It certainly shows a lack of creativity and maybe, just maybe, the director can not physically tie together scenes anymore - hence his over-reliance on the soundtrack.

All those criticisms being being said Jamie Foxx, Christoph Waltz, Leonardo DiCaprio and Samuel L. Jackson all were fantastic and worth the admission price alone - but overall Django Unchained just didn't sit well with me as it has with plenty of others out there. I much preferred Inglorious Bastards truth be told and that in itself was guilty of being over-blown as well.

Overall Django Unchained is certainly an enjoyable watch - but one that's about half an hour to long. Also if Tarantino could manage to not be so reliant on the soundtrack then that would be great [Bill Lumbergh style]. A self-indulgent film, but one that has some truly great performances inside.

A befuddled, muddled, straight down the line 3 / 5.

Film Review: Hitchcock

Films like this are confusing because regardless of how good they actually are they just seem to have "Oscar" written all over them and that can influence your opinion greatly. Remember Meryl Streep as Maggie Thatcher in The Iron Lady or Leonardo Di Caprio as Howard Hughes / J. Edgar Hoover. Both of those actors got nominated for academy awards even though the films they were in were not that great themselves. Your brain can make you believe what you are watching is actually much better than it is. That, ladies and gentlemen is called the "hype" and Chuck D advocates in not believing it. Thankfully this film does not suffer from that. This film-within-a-film does a good job of telling the story of how Hitchcock's most famous film "Psycho" came about.

Anthony Hopkins & Helen Mirren will no doubt be at the fore-front come award season, and justifiably so - as their performances in Hitchcock are truly astounding. I was about to write how Helen Mirren owns the film until I realised that Hopkins (who I really dislike as a person) did such a good job of playing Hitch that I genuinely forgot it was him under they fat-suit for pretty much the duration of the film.

The rest of the supporting cast are equally excellent and are full of recognisable faces: Danny Huston, Toni Collette, Michael Stuhlbarg (Arnold Rothstein from BWE), Kurtwood Smith, Ralph Macchio and Jessica Biel as Vera Miles. Her role really is the only one I felt ho-hum about, mainly as I felt they did not deal with her previous back-story in the correct way - then one has to remember this is not the story of the strained relationship between Vera Miles and Alfred Hitchcock - but rather the story of "Psycho".

The other two supporting actors who are sure to get the plaudits in the reviews are Scarlett Johansson as Janet Leigh and James D'Arcy as Anthony Perkins. I do not know if Johansson will get nominated for her supporting role as, well, the part itself could have been meatier (that seems to be my feelings towards the whole film) but regardless of the amount of time he had on screen I think D'Arcy should be recognised for his outstanding portrayal of Anthony Perkins. Honestly, the man just becomes him. If you did not know better you would swear it was Perkins himself. The only critique is that I felt he did not have enough screen time - but that is not the fault of the man at all as he was truly excellent.

For Hitchcock fans and film historians some of the material will not ring true. They have changed Hitch himself and instead of an odious, creepy, semi-sadistic leering pervert we now have a watered down, Hitch-lite version of the man. The troubles with his leading ladies are only hinted at briefly and the control he liked to bestow upon women is barely worthy of a back-story in the whole film. Mirren plays his devoted wife, Alma, ans her character is given much more of a backbone that I was lead to believe she ever had in reality. Maybe Helen Mirren just cannot play meek, I do not know. Anyway - of these changes are not really surprising as if Sacha Gervasi had represented the actual events and characteristics of the man then he would just come across as unlikable instead of, how shall I put it, "particular".

Overall I enjoyed Hitchcock. I enjoyed it much more thinking about it today though. Knowing what I do about the man himself I knew he was a torturer to the leading ladies he employed and sadly I felt that that could have been dealt with in a different tone in this film. Saying that I am aware that this film really had nothing to do with that - but it is hard for me to break the ties between them both. The script is fast paced, full of moment of genuine emotion and humour in equal doses. The cast really are excellent and it would not surprise me if there was nominations dished out come academy season.

Alas however I felt that certain elements have been altered in order to present a more well-rounded piece of celluloid. This I can not get past. I have learned about him in great detail and knowing what I know it was hard to not let that grate on me throughout. It would be like remaking a film and turning a genuine asshole (think Tim Roth in "Rob Roy") into a likeable asshole. Films are films but liberites should not be taken on certain occasions.

Anyway, in conclusion - this film really is well worth the watch. Even Anthony Hopkins is decent in it. A very enjoyable watch and at barely 100 minutes one that you can just let fly by. A good solid (if slightly liberty-taking) film. 3.5 / 5

Film Review: That's My Boy

That's My Boy.

You piece of motherfucking shit. You completely useless, pathetically redundant, frustratingly incompetent excuse for a celluloid event. You barrel-scraping unfunny series of random scenes loosely thrown together to fill two hours - TWO HOURS!!! You couldn't have made it any longer or unfunnier could you Sandler? You Happy Madison soul-sucking money grabbing reunion of sorts - thankfully there was no David Spade or Rob Schneider to sink this used prophylactic any lower in the cistern of life.

Why I thought this Adam Sandler film would be any different than any other Adam Sandler film of recent years I do not know. Dear Jesus, it's bad. I had it in my head that it wouldn't be Grown Ups / Zohan bad (haven't seen Jack & Jill) but it was. It was fucking shite. Just for the record - I very much enjoyed: Happy Gilmore; Little Nicky; Airheads; Punch Drunk Love & Reign Over Me and hated Click, Spanglish, Funny People and Anger Management. I like the man on occasions, fuck; I was hung-over while watching I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry and got teary-eyed. I really am not the best at coping with the ol' hangovers at all. If there was a character based on me in that film The Hangover he would have stayed in bed all day, ate Chinese food and watched films with semi-recognisable TV stars in them until he felt well enough to get up and order some more Chinese food. Which is a much better sounding film than The Hangover 2 was.

Anywho, if you enjoy the type of film that sees someone basically rape a wedding dress mannequin and then puke on it, all done in a completely unfunny and tasteless way, then this film is for you. If you enjoy films where monetary issues plays a major plotpoint in establishing a flimsy story at best - all the while knowing that even though the shit they're actually going through would be quite difficult to deal with in real life - but regardless there can be a 'happy ending' resolution wrote in at any given two-minute warning, then this film is for you. If you enjoy seeing overweight black strippers parade around firing ping-pongs balls from their cooch at yet another unfunny Nick Swardson redneck character or enjoy seeing the implications of Vanilla Ice banging a 90 year old granny or even see enjoy films with premises so lax they involve a whole backstory involving Ginger (from the Ginger Snaps series) as a schoolteacher doing the horizontal boogie with a 13 year old school kid version of Adam Sandler then, yup, you guessed it - this film is certainly the one for you.

The cast, well they are in it. Sandler really needs Dante or Swardson or Covert to just bitchslap him out of this putrid funk he's been in. The 'crazy accent' thing worked for Little Nicky, Billy Madison and The Waterboy - but there really is no need for it here, it's almost like there may even be a hint of embarrassment from him and by adopting the voice he is distancing himself from what he knows is just another piece of tripe that would sit nicely in a George Simmons back catalogue. Not since Zohan has he been as annoying as he is in this - once again, I haven't seen Jack And Jill.

I think the real thing that fucked me off about this and led me to believe it had a shot of being semi-decent was the inclusion of Andy Samberg in the cast. Well, what a complete disappointment he was - no sign of the charm or humour that made Hot Rod the likeable and underrated show that it is. He's a hedge fund pussy-whipped ballless queef of a character (I don't know if he was a hedge fund manager but I swear to fuck I’m not back checking anything I don't have to for this piece of shit film) who, and check this, through the love and support from his estranged father manages to be happy by: quitting his job, cancelling his wedding, getting a Foreigner earring and eating chicken nuggets. That's it. If you were chatting to someone on the street you hadn't seen in ages and they were single with a dodgy pirate earring, eating chicken nuggets and unemployed - the first thought in your head wouldn't be "Awesome" What a life!!!" but "Jesus! What happened to Pete?" - not in Happy Madison land though. I gotta say too - Grandma's Boy totally rocked my socks off - that Super Troopers and Office Space are my three go-to comedy films. This though is a piece of dog shit stuck to the bottom of your good funeral shoes.

The rest of the cast, fuck 'em. There's an attempt to make Vanilla Ice relevant again, Dante shows up looking toasty as shit, Peter Petrecelli - or whatever he's called from Heroes - is there (the plot for him, Jesus, just another reason to hate this film), some chick that sort of resembles Winnie Cooper is there too. She's a fucking dick that no-one would ever want to marry but yet in the first half she's presented as this Olympian goddess and in the second half as a disciple of Beelzebub -good continuity there Sandler. Then there are other people in this as well. I think the background extras are the only people allowed to be happy with That's My Boy as they didn't have any speaking lines - there for are semi-excused from the shitfuck of a creation this is.

I am so disgusted I watched this. To think I thought it might have actually been good just makes me feel embarrassed. I said I’d never give Sandler another chance after so many missteps but I did. Again. And I prey you do not grant him the same courtesy as I have so many times before. That's My Boy is an unbelievably unfunny, plotless, annoying, disappointing, mediocre, waste of human effort and time. If you want to get your Sandler fix go and re-watch his Saturday Night Live performances or his actual enjoyable films from yore, if you want to feel short-changed and fucked off well, That's My Boy is just what you are looking for.

A new low, even for Sandler, though I reckon he secretly enjoys these depths of depravity - otherwise, well, otherwise he's either the smartest man around or he really is that much a gigantic tool. I know what I think anyway. A terrible excuse for a film. Avoid. 1 / 5.

Film Review: Silver Tongues

Silver Tongues is (roughly) a film about a couple who travel from town to town pretending to be a variety of different people with different personas. It's a strange one this - great performances, fantastically shot, good script - but just the whole feel of it was unnervingly unsettling.

I spent the first 40 minutes not saying a word - just staring intently at the screen, unsure of what I was seeing and equally undecided if I was enjoying it or not. The last film to leave me feeling remotely like that was Ivans XTC and that was years ago. Silver Tongues confuses you and entices you in equal amounts. There is no explanatory narrative nor does it hold your hand the whole way throughout, it is left to you (on certain occasions) to take what you want from it and try and decipher the motivation of the protagonists in certain scenes. I like films like this, where everything is not always answered instantly and even sometimes not at all - the murky air of mystery is much better than a disappointing revelation of uselessness in my eyes.

Anyways, back to the film - it's hard to like the main protagonists all the time but the writers do a really excellent job of making them somewhat sympathetic - you don't necessarily root for them but because you never know what they are at in a number of different situations - but it's somewhat hard to really root against them, no matter what they are getting up to in any of the numerous situations. Your curiosity takes over and replaces the disgust you may occasionally feel towards them.

Lee Tergesen is excellent as always - but if you've seen the man as Beecher in Oz or as Chet in the Weird Science Tv show (Vanessa Angel) then you'll already know the boy has got serious acting chops. Ignore the Weird Science part there - I just wanted to mention Vanessa Angel! Enid Graham - or Rose Van Alden from Boardwalk Empire- is brilliant too as his partner in this adventure. She really manages to hold the film together all on her own, whatever "role" she may be playing at the time. The two of them together work fantastically well and as a result you can begin to understand the actions of their characters a bit better, well, much more than if two lesser actors inhabited the roles.

It's hard to be overly critical of Silver Tongues as they've done everything right in relation to how to make a film, but there's something lacking to push it over the edge and make it one of those indie films that takes the world by storm. It's hard to put my finger on what exactly that is but the fact the characters, their actions and motives are unscrupulous and unpleasant to say the least probably has a good bit to deal with it.

Silver Tongues is a film for people who enjoy being slightly unsettled, now while this wouldn't exactly be my favourite type of film genre to watch it is good to mix it up a little every so often - and you could do a hell of a lot worse than Silver Tongues. Befuddlingly enjoyable 3 / 5

Film Review: Rec 3 - Genesis

Fucking shite.

Maybe I am comparing it too harshly to the first two which I thought were deadly - but this was just one star above the Resident Evil films.

It does kind of tie in with the other two (when it wants to) but no real explanatory answers are forthcoming - it is like they re-invented the rules for the zombie thing, threw in a bit of religious shite and now are side-stepping the whole history of that back story in a tardy money making exercise. 

Realistically the producers could make a million Rec films from here on in the same vain as this one. I was super excited when I saw it had leaked but honestly, I do not think I felt even a tad bit apprehensive / nervous / or worried throughout - which is a far change from the previous two entries in the series. In fact, truth be told, I do not think I even jumped anywhere near the level that Woody Harrleson reached in 1992 and we all know how terrible he was at that particular physical activity.

Obviously Rec 3 is a whole new ballroom for the dancing to take place in and it is not set in the same apartment block we dealt with in the previous installments. For the first twenty minutes or so the use of the wedding videographer is a great hark back to Pablo from the first Rec, it works well and you are thinking "Ah, so that is how they are covering it this time" but alas that soon grows weary, and Rec 3 Genesis does get weary. Especially the bride who is wearing the same old shabby dress throughout. One wonders why the director did not realise that when she's weary that maybe if he tried a little tenderness we might feel more empathy towards her character but alas he keeps us waiting and anticipating feelings of compassion and in the end up it is hard to get behind a character if you just want them to fucking die regardless.

The protagonists are, and I am assuming this, supposed to be likeable - but just because it is set on the day of their wedding does not mean that you do not have to give us suitable reason for cheering them on in their struggle versus the unknown. I honestly did not give a flying f*ck about them. In previous Rec's I did not give a flying f*ck but at least the film's themselves were decent. In Rec 3 all I cared about was that the running time was thankfully only 80 minutes.

Overall I thought Rec 3 Genesis was a major disappointment and it left me wondering why the producers/creators decided to go in this manner instead of just giving us a closer to the trilogy in the first place? Monetary matters is my only reasoning of this problematic misstep. Maybe I am setting the bar too high by unfairly comparing it to Rec and Rec 2 but for me anyway I thought Rec 3 was more of a middle of the road brain candy Milla Jovovich / Paul W.S. Anderson film than a superb Spanish horror. 

A disappointingly average addition to an otherwise previously excellent series. 1.5 / 5

Film Review: The Grey

I really enjoyed The Grey. Like I really REALLY enjoyed it!

First off it is worth noting that the Grey is NOT an action film, no matter what you may have seen from the trailers. If you realise this before you watch it then you too may actually enjoy The Grey as I did and much more than those hoping for Taken Part Two.

To be honest The Grey is not very similar to Taken or other recent Liam Neeson films at all. It is not Neeson versus the big bad wolf nor is it him versus the world and it most certainly is not him being an all-out action star and totally bossing his surroundings as he has done so often in the past. I would go as far as to say that it is not even an action film but instead that The Grey is a drama that just happens to have some wolves in it.

As you can probably already guess The Grey was not what I was expecting at all. The attention to detail by director Joe Carnahan (whose previous work like Narc & Smoking Aces I really enjoyed - but could not be further away from this) is sublime. The dialogue between the survivors of the plane crash is more akin to what you would expect to find in a TomDiCillio or Ed Burns film – rather than a Joe Carnahan one. The scenes with the lads getting to know each other around the campfire are emotional to say the least. The build up to the occasional flash of violence is fantastically well done and the splattering of the wolves throughout reminds us perfectly that it is not just the weather and arctic conditions Neeson and his crew are up against. I never thought I would say this – but The Grey doesn’t actually need the wolves in it to be considered a good film.

Liam Neeson is simply brilliant and when you think about what he has had to go through in his personal life and then what his character goes through in the film – it becomes all the more heartbreaking. I honestly do not know where the acting starts and where real life ends. It must have been a tough time for him making it, all things considered.

It is worth noting too that the way in which the film studio marketed The Grey was nothing less than awful. From seeing the trailers you would think The Grey is man versus animal throughout. I had heard many disappointing reviews of this film; mainly because it was not like it seemed in the trailer at all, in fact I will once again repeat that I do not think The Grey is even an action film – but rather a drama. It's funny in parts, unsettling in others and overall I found it to be a really well made emotionally driven film. But then that's just me.

In conclusion I would recommend The Grey to all Liam Neeson, Joe Carnahan and fans of drama in general. Just make sure you forget everything that happened in the trailers first. Highly recommended (by this reviewer anyway). 4 / 5

Film Review: The Woman In Black

The Woman In Black:

The Woman In Black is pretty good in a non-typical modern horror sort of way. Harry Potter doesn't have a lot to do apart from look slightly ill-at-ease but to be fair to him he never really lost control of where he was at. And by that I mean a lot of other actors could have over-acted their way out of the role or just hammed it up but he set the tone nicely.

There are some genuinely unpleasant and unsettling images that will leave you uneasy (as you would come to expect from any horror) but the thing I liked about this (and what pisses me off about others) is that there was no MacGuffin used to further the plot. Nothing was introduced in the last 10 minutes that felt out of place.

At 78 minutes long it builds the tension quite nicely and you actually feel like you're watching a well thought out story (much like Hammer Horrors used to do back in the day) instead of a rushed splatter-fest that seems to be the norm these days.

While TWIB is not exactly going to set the world on fire it will make you jump (a standard requirement of a Horror you'll no doubt agree) and won't leave you with a bad taste in your mouth when it's over. This along with The Innkeepers are a new breed of film that half one foot firmly planted in reality and that to me makes a Horror much more enjoyable.

The Woman In Black is nothing new or remarkable - but when you consider how the majority of every other Horror film is made these days then it certainly is remarkable in that aspect. I enjoyed it and it'll give you Goosebumps but not nightmares. Definitely worth the look on a cold dark night (and at under an hour & half it'll fly through). Here’s hoping this is the return of Hammer Horror. A steady and sturdy 3/5

Film Review: Superman Returns

So I haven't done a film review in ages so thought i'd better get the finger out and write one. So here we go:


Finally finally FINALLY watched Superman Returns.

It's been five years since it came out and the most I ever saw of it was years ago in one of those fancy fake living room type areas they have in PC World, I just parked myself down while waiting on someone to buy a computer and from the ten minutes or so I saw I thought it looked decent. No-one told me how long it was going to be though - over two and a half hours! And it's not even like Superman is one of the better superheroes.

In my scale of superheroes it'd be X-Men>Thor>Bats>and everyone else is shit (except the Silver Surfer and maybe Ghost Rider). I do not care about Spiderman, Green Lantern/Hornet/Arrow, The Punisher, Iron Man, Hulk, Captain America, Fantastic Four, The Phantom, Judge Dredd, Aquaman, Hawkman, Wonder Woman, Shazam, The Flash, Daredevil or any of the Batgirl, Super-Girl, She-Ra characters we're subjected to in a near-cyclical basis. I'd never consider buying any of these in novella format and would possibly only read them if they were lying around and only then possibly if I was bored. In my opinionated opinion they are boring, narcissistic creations with not enough depth or creativity to fulfil my comic needs and more often than not my interest only perks us depending on which foe they are to face. If I want depth I go to Ennis & Dillon or Gaiman. Anywho I'm rambling. Superman is a shit hero, that's basically my point. And its taken me five years to watch the latest 2 1/2 hours of him. That's how little I rate him in my scale of superheroes and just so you know- I've seen A Cinderella Story around four or five times in that time period. That's how much disregard I have for Superman.

And now a few things I noticed while watching Superman Returns:
1) Some of Brandon Routh's mannerisms are freakily similar to those of Christopher Reeve's and considering I'd never heard of him before I'll just go ahead and assume that's why he got the part in the first place. Credit where it's due - he was a bit of an ol' legend in this, saving people all over the shop and having Mexican kids cheering him on and the like. What he had to do he did well but like I've said before - it's not like he's a character of any great depth so yeah, if being varnished is one step up from being wooden then Routh did a fine job.
2) Kevin Spacey looks even odder than normal while bald - but he certainly knows how to play the bad guy and does so with enough venom that you actually believe he could best Supes. Even though he's old. And fat. And bald. His cronies were decent enough too - Kal Penn & Parker Posey were given enough material than the standard lackies wouldn't normally expect - but to be honest it was their reactions shots to everything that actually made them stand out more than most. Just goes to show what you can do with a good casting director I suppose, that being said:
3) Kate Bosworth is a very wooden and annoying Lois Lane. Personally I didn't give a fuck if she lived or died - and yet this is the woman who we're led to believe Superman would sacrifice his life for? And don't get me started on her kid. Fuck off like. Didn't Mallrats cover this already???
4) Lastly - Superman as a character does not have enough substance to carry a film franchise, let alone multiple re-incarnations of aforementioned film franchise. He is the Russell Bland of intrigue, the Humdrum Dugan of excitement, the Bruce Tame of adventure. He is an archaic character who has been blunted by the changes in civilisation and who's receding relevance in today's world is only matched in the uninteresting stakes by the choices of actors picked recently to portray him: Brandon Routh, Tom Welling & Henry Cavill. Who indeed? Exactly.

So even though Superman Returns by all accounts did not fare as well as the filmmakers had hoped - why exactly is Hollywood making another one? Is there really any need for another Superman film so soon after the last?? And while I’m at it how is Superman so fucking popular anyway????? He's boring as shit, has no fucking personality either as Clark Kent or as The Man Of Steel ™, his villains are woeful compared to that of Batman and / or Spiderman and generally you cannot empathise with him and his stupid cause one teeny tiny iota. He is fucking woefully abysmally shit as a leading man let alone as a Superhero. Maybe I just don't "get it". I mean - how can Superman constantly be regurgitated and spat into the public eye yet a much better choice (for either film or TV) in the Preacher series looks like it will never see the light of day? Anyway these are all just opinions.

In conclusion Routh did a fine job of playing the 2nd most boring Superhero (Peter Parker being the 1st). Spacey was always fun to see and he constantly alleviated the boredom whenever he appeared onscreen. A few of the action scenes were still impressive to see - even after five years. Singer could definitely have used a better editor as the film did not have to be anywhere as long as it needed to be. Also if he had half a brain then this scene below, which cost $10 Million to shoot, wouldn't have been probably the most expensive deleted scene in the history of film. TEN MILLION like!!!! Just to end up on the cutting room floor. Madness.



Anyway it wasn't the worst film I've seen but I very much doubt I'd watch it again anytime in the next five years. I'm going to be generous and give it 2 / 5 mainly because in the midst of all the nonsense there's some good performances and somewhere in this 2 hour 34 minute film there's a decent 1:40 film hidden away.

All I can say is thank god I never watched Smallville :D

Film Review: The Parking Lot Movie

Been ages since i threw up a review so:




The Parking Lot Movie: Brilliant documentary about people who work in the Corner Parking Lot in Charlottesville, Virginia.

The film follows a group of parking lot attendants, both current and past workers (including James McNew from Yo La Tengo) about the dedication and almost zen-like environment of the job. The way they all intertwine with each other and how the job becomes something almost spiritual is surprisingly uplifting - seriously, i was looking for something light-hearted and this fucking made my day - -especially the scenes interacting with members of the public who generally just act like dicks. The fights they have over 40cents are their world wars - to the paying customer 40c seems like f*ck all but to the boys doing their job that is the be all and end all and last stand between authority and social politeness. They make you understand the importance of paying for a service and even comment on how people think they're lower than fast food workers - the stories about how some of them came close to death chasing a dollar makes you see the dedication to the job they have!

The attendants themselves consist of a collection of students, philosophers, graffiti artists, musicians and a cast of character you could easily see in Linklater's Slackers. The daily war the have against the obnoxious customers, be they frat boys, sorority girls, pissed off surbanities or middle aged cock-knockers is just entertainingly gripping - especially when they treat these pretentious assholes with the attitude they deserve!!!

It's a film really about nothing but it's heartening to see these people take so much pride and dedication in working there, apparently they rarely hire and to be even employed there is a privilege. Almost like a university for the lost soul - seriously, if you want a film about how shitty human life can be and how a group of parking lot attendants can find some sort of solace in the world than look no further than this.

A fucking excellent and pleasant surprise. Highly HIGHLY recommended. 4/ 5

Link to d/wl it if you care: http://megarelease.net/2011/03/17/the-parking-lot-movie-2010-dvdrip-xvid-wide/

Film Review: Shotgun Stories

Shotgun Stories:

Shotgun Stories is a film about 3 brothers - Son, Boy & Kid Hayes - whose alcoholic abusive father walked out and left them in poverty when they were youngsters, subsequently went off found god, rehabilitated himself and then raised another family - except this time around he was the perfect father. The film starts off when the brothers find out that their father has died and they head to his funeral to leave their respects to the man they also called 'dad'. Needless to say the grieving family aren't appreciative of their comments and the rancorous funeral speech given by Son is the catalyst for the actions that occur throughout the rest of the film.

Set in a small run-down withering town where there isn't enough space available for the rival siblings not to run into each other every day - every situation and encounter could possibly be their last, and most dangerous, one. The two families despise each other, both equally united in their hatred of the others existence and these step-brothers are not shy in letting each other know exactly how they feel, up close and personal style.

I felt slightly unnerved and also in awe while watching Shotgun Stories - in a world where every TV show or film comes at you in such a relentless fashion it's a complete refreshing change to have a film confident enough in itself to tell the story it wants to tell - and especially at it's own leisurely pace to boot. Believe me when i say that this film is a slow-building ride but unlike others where your attention may wane Shotgun Stories managed to keep me not just interested - but engaged in the proceedings of the Hayes boys throughout.

Michael Shannon in particular is fucking awesome as Son - but then again he rarely disappoints - and i look forward eagerly to watching him appearing in Martin Scorsese's Boardwalk Empire. The other two Hayes boys are also thoroughly engaging in their own individual way - i don't know if that's their acting or maybe just the epic script - but regardless of whatever it is they are more than adequate support for Shannon. The rest of the cast are full of unknowns and randomers and they all do their jobs sufficiently - especially seeing as the supporting parts aren't that big at all outside the Hayes clan.

Shotgun Stories doesn't have any frills, spills, special effects or jack-sh*t - what it does have is a story of slow burning hatred that bubbles near boiling point throughout. If you want to watch a film that harks back to the days when actual stories were told in films then Shotgun Stories is the one for you. Just don't expect anything to happen in it anytime fast. 3/5

Film Review: The Box

The Box: Firstly is Donnie Darko still worthy of all that praise it got nearly 10 years ago? Have you gone back, re-watched it and thought "This is still as good as i remember it to be" ? Was it ever even a good film in the first place or was it one that was "cool" to like back then because it was "different" ? Was it because it had Drew Barrymore, the Swayze and Dr. Carter offa E.R. playing against type in a knowing-Hollywood sort of way? Was it that the little bubble-boy himself Jakey G was oh-so-cute in it and this had angst-ridden teenage girls swooning over him worldwide? Was it because you could pretentiously say to your friends that they "don't get it" and that you did? I dunno.

The point of these questions is that since David Kelly has been on a downward spiral leading to where we are now, which is nothing but a world of fucking tripe. Was Donnie Darko a one-hit wonder or was it even actually a wonder at all? If memory serves me correct if didn't exactly set the box-office on fire and it was only through retail sales afterwards that it became a cult classic. Cult classic!!! For fuck sake! Cheech & Chong, Howard The Duck and The Killer Tomatoes are all cult classics but that doesn't necessarily mean they're anywhere near being actually any good.

Anyways, onto The Box. Firstly- it's shit. Secondly - do not even bother ever thinking about watching it. Thirdly - it really is shit so honestly, from the bottom of my heart, avoid it. Fourthly - if you don't believe me then that's fine, but for the sake of your kids, or potential future kids, don't watch this, it''ll destroy their little hearts knowing that momma or dada sat through this.

The Box is not good, it is not even worthy of being called bad. It is not a film that could be regarded as funny-shit or even one that could be shit-shit (which can equally be as watchable as funny-shit) it is just a plain ol' unwatchable, unfunny crock of bad-shit. I repeat - it is bad-shit. Of the longevity kind.

In this film Cameron Diaz seems to have a duck-like quality to her that makes me want to switch off the TV every time i see her stupid annoying face. She plays her character with a Virginia accent which is so horribly bad that it overtakes the awfulness of any unintentional comedy that could potentially arise out of it. She is woeful. Frustratingly woeful. Cyclops is nowhere near as bad as he was in X-Men 3 here, but unluckily for him, he is out-matched and out-acted scene in every scene by the Box itself. Talk about being wooden. As for Frank Langella, he went from playing Richard Nixon to this travesty. Obviously he signed on because he has a Harvey Dent-like hole on the side of his face that i guess is supposed to make us go "Wow!!! Look at that amazing CGI!" except for the fact that Harvey Dent has been done and dusted and released on Blu-Ray about a year ago.

If i just told you that at the end of The Box it turns out that they were all Transformers or that they were stuck on an island that itself was trapped in a time-loop or even that they were all killed by a useless psychopathic pointless monster that traveled through their telephones then that would be better than what actually happens. Honestly. It really would.

Don't bother with this film. Ever. The Box is not worthy of being called a bad film or even a bad-bad film - it is a piece of shit film. Avoid it like a fat kid avoids exercise. 0.5 / 5

Film Review: Edge Of Darkness

Edge Of Darkness: I am aware that recently not all people are entirely favorable with the man that is Mel Gibson, i'd even stretch as far as to say that some reviews of this, his latest film, may well have been influenced by his past transgressions - which have absolutely nothing to do with his film-making i may add. Having watched this film at midday and not really knowing anything about it other than Mel called one interviewer an "Asshole" on a talk show i've got to say i was more than pleasantly surprised.

Directed by Martin Campbell, he of the awesome James Bond franchise reinvention film that was Goldeneye, Edge Of Darkness comes across - in the trailers at least - as a sort of Mel Gibson version of Taken. Allow me to put those thoughts at rest, it is 100% nothing like that Liam Neeson film and if anything it would resemble Michael Mann's excellent 1999 film The Insider a lot more than Neeson's. The trailer itself had me intrigued but i was delighted it didn't follow the same route as Pierre Morel's film.

In this Gibson plays a Boston detective Tom Craven, complete with the Boston drawl and all, whose daughter gets gunned down on his doorstop. The plot is roughly that Gibson's shattered father is seeking revenge or justice (or revenge and justice, depending on how you look at it) for his murdered daughter and, as it usually seems to go in films such as this, all is not what it seems. The more he searches the more he finds and the more he finds the more dangerous it all gets.

Based on the 1985 BBC series of the same name, Edge Of Darkness is a wonderfully paced film, full of intrigue and suspense and played out by actors who know what they're doing and do it well. Ray Winstone and Danny Huston have long been two of the most reliable actors around and even if they have starred in some crocks of shite (King Arthur & Wolverine: Origins) they still come up smelling of roses in them. They, along with Gibson, are what sets Edge Of Darkness apart from the normal run-of-the-mill crap Hollywood has produced recently, even if those films do seem to star Robert De Niro, Al Pacino or fucking Mr. Bland-Chops himself Clive Owen.

I throughly enjoyed this film, so much so i let a few friends know that if they're bored to get the finger out and go see it. Maybe the negative reviews came from Gibson's previous altercations or maybe they came from what was perceived a lack of respect towards journalists intent on only bringing up said past convictions. Regardless, i'd ignore the bad press you might have read about this and trundle on as ignorantly as possible to one of the most satisfying films of the year so far.

I might even go as far to say that Gibson's well on the road to redemption but, of course, only in movie-land. Edge Of Darkness is a fine return to form for one of cinema's anti-hero's, it is a film to put the nay-sayers back in their place.

Fast, breezy and relentlessly engaging throughout, Edge Of Darkness comes highly recommended from someone who had had their up's and down's with the man throughout their career - i mean, was their really ever a need for all those butt-shots in the 80's?

If you're stuck for something to watch then Edge Of Darkness is well worth the look and Gibson's performance is one of his best in a long while. Maybe he should get into trouble more often. A very impressive piece of celluloid altogether. 3.5 / 5

Film Review: The Firm

The Firm: Not to be confused with the early 90's Tom cruise film . Firstly, i really enjoyed some of Nick Love's previous films - The Football Factory & The Business- but it's all startin to wear a bit thin on me now.

I mean, i know he's to get his Bugs Bunny from somewhere but does he have to have make every film about bacardi breezers getting into red and white's an gettin done on their north and south every other bottle of glue cockney linnets? Now, im not a steam tug and i enjoy a good giraffe as much as the next pot and pan - but this did me head in - and the brass tack i was watchin it on me jack jones royally fucked up me uncle ned.

Nick Love's got a lot of west ham reserves to keep making the same type of daily mail again and again and this is the one that burst the barney rubble. As long as he's gettin his cat and cages im sure he dont give a fuck and is havin a right old turkish bath at it all, but for the rest of the rob roys who like goin down to the battle cruiser fro a few tiddlywinks this comes across as a Merlyn Rees of piss.

Don't even have a butcher's hook at it. Oh yeah, and he found himself a new younger clone of Danny Dyer too. Have a butchers at the two of them:

Anywho, the film's alright in parts, seen it all before though. Very meh to be honest - great soundtrack and look though but Nick, you must do better next time me ol garden gate cos you went a bit Pete Tong with this one. 1.5 / 5

Film Review: High Sierra

High Sierra: One of the first films to take Bogart and turn him into the character we all now and love now - the bad guy with the big heart. Fuck me - it is awesome. Well, not awesome compared to other Bogart movies, but awesome compared to most films in general. But not other Bogart films - cos he has been awesomer than this. But not by much.

Anywho...Bogart plays a career criminal bailed outta jail to do one last job by his old boss. On the way he hooks up with two up-and-coming wannabe gangsters on their first big job; a weather-beaten moll intent to never return to her past life; a family of hillybillys trying to start a new life and a mangy ol pup that you won't fail to fall in love with.

At just over an hour and a half the films breezes through and although the plot is a bit ropey every now and again you cannot fail to be impressed with Bogart's performance and especially that of his co-star Ida Lupino. Her weather beaten moll has more moxy in her furrowed brow than any Lara Croft, Aeon Flux or shaven-headed fuckwit Queen Padmé will ever have. Her's is a character you dont see enough of in todays films - a woman who stands up to the world but isn't afraid to let her emotions show as well. She is never weak or vulnerable - even her toughest moments she shows courage that frankly just isn't seen enough in films anymore. The womans one tough cookie and she more than holds her own alongside her leading man.

Back to Bogart - the man's a legend! He carries this film impeccably throughout and makes it look effortless in doing so. Its hard to look at him and think that he's played some of the coolest characters around! That ugly mug of his, that snarling grin, the way the words fall out of his mouth - almost as if he's spitting them out in disgust at having to waste the energy to say them at all. Here you can see future glimpses of Sam Spade, Marlowe and Casablanca's Rick all thrown into one character. He takes no shit, says it like it is and never asks for anything in return.

I assume by now you've realised i quite like the man! Anyways, if you're bored you could do a lot worse than this - granted there's better Bogart out there, but this is a good a place to start or even pick up from. You wont be disappointed. Good fuckin show. 3. 5 / 5

Film Review: A Cinderella Story

Do you ever hate yourself for watching something? Well that's how i felt while watching this. In my pathetic defence i was sick in bed and was too poorly to find the remote or even call for assistance to help me search for it. Sad thing is that in my fragile emotional diseased state i found this to be a highly engrossing modern update of the classic Cinderella story.

I found myself hating the evil step-mother and the ugly sisters (who weren't as ugly as they could have / would have / should have been) and i was getting very restless as i felt justice wasn't swift enough in happening. Ms. Duff an the One Tree Hill basketball lad were suitably pretty an weren't as shit as i thought they'd be. The supporting cast was high grade, top-dollar, quality stamp of approval, back-of-the-net, awesome-tastic!

Again though i stress that I was in an emotionally weak place while watching it and it's not my fault that this movie hit all the right places at the right time. From lying in my infected bed I too felt the pain of never being asked to the prom (never had one in Ireland truth be told - but the thought of missing out on it still can hurt though) an i cursed the day true love could not exist.

Of course in the end everything ends happily ever after, obviously. The one bad thing i have to say is that i would've loved to see a bit harsher punishment for the villains, but i'm only nit-picking.

Watch either if you're sick in bed or a young impressionable teenage girl. Enjoyable stuff nonetheless. 3.5 / 5

Film Review: Orphan

Orphan: It's official, kids are the scariest things to have in films. Forget your eccentric rats who cook or kooky pregnant teenagers who talk like they're missing dictionary corner on countdown everyday or even villagers hell-bent on denying the existence of little girls all the while dancing in hotel rooms nekkid - kids, yes kids, are the scariest fuckers around. All they have to do is just look at you and its weirder than seeing some alien arm destroy some american bridge or Caroline from Caroline in the City shag a mallard. Kids are genuinely creepy and they can make you jump faster than Will Smith can really pretend to be from the ghetto.

So basically this kid called Esther comes from an orphanage and obviously bad things start to happen whenever she's around except her new parents don't cop on for aaaaages and by the time all roads lead to Damascus it's too late. In all honesty i didn't expect too much from this, ive had it for ages but never bothered with it til yesterday, boy oh boy though i sure am glad i did! It's equally as creepy as last years spooky British film The Children - i think its because we regard children as innocent that when we seem them outside or comfort zone we can get a little weirder out by it, think Mac Attack in Jacob's Ladder - and watching it get deeper and deeper made for uncomfortable yet enjoyable viewing.

Its hard to explain my emotions while watching it but its almost as though you can really get caught up and be impressed with a movie without enjoying watching it, think Requiem For A Dream, Ivans Xtc or The Mist - these are films that are brilliant but make for unsettling viewing, Orphan was like that for me - fuckin loved watchin it but all the while felt ill at ease with it. Like i said before it definitely has something to do with kids being creepy.

The film itself has all the usual twists, turns and jumps you'd expect to see - except its not exactly a Hollywood-esque production, they makers obviously had a plan and stuck to their guns. The casting is grand, the family is adequate, the little orphan girl is suitable fucking weird, there'll be no oscars for this though as its really nothing spectacularly new that you havent seen before- a family in trouble in a horror film - but its the story in itself that makes the whole thing so different, if the script had been shitter then i wouldnt give a f*ck but as it goes it swims along nicely and builds up the tension quite superbly.

So to summarise, yup i really enjoyed Orphan much much more than i thought i would, if you like films where kids are creepy than this is for you. I'd recommend this to people who enjoyed The Children and for people who enjoyed this i'd recommend that right back.

Finally i came to the conclusion that i'd be more scared seein a weird little kid standing in a doorway than an axe wielding murderer and if you think the same way then this film is for you. Weirdly unsettling and fascinating at the same time.

A good little fucker of a show. 3 / 5

Film Review: The Grand

The Grand: Right, i love poker, i love the cast in this so by default this should be great - wrong. Its done in a "look at us with our spontaneus acting, we dont really need a plot just a series of events, if it can work for larry david & the spinal tap crew then itll work for us" way. Pile. Of. Wank. I know all the main actors are poker fans and im sure they had a ball making this what wit hangin around with Brunson, Ivey, Hellmuth & the boys but they seriously could've put a bit more motherfuckin effort in the script - a few half decent jokes every now and again does not make a movie. An the poker itslef -well, i wouldnt have minded if even that was decent but f*ck no - why should that be decent too? If you're gonna f*ck up why not do it properly. Very very disappointing altogether. 0.5 / 5

Film Review: Fantastic Mr. Fox

Fantastic Mr. Fox:

Fucking fuckers. I saw the trailer for this and didn't really like the way it was looking so i had it in my head that i wasn't gonna enjoy it but then Baumbauch & Anderson went ahead and fucked up that plan royally by making the fillm, well, fantastic. The bastards!!!
It's really a shockingly, surprisingly, amazingly, delightful little piece of cinematic gold. The voice casting is top-notch, it took me awhile to cop on who the rat, field mouse & sports coach were but once you think of previous Anderson films you can pretty much come to the conclusion that its all the usual suspects popping up.

On a quick side-note, it always takes me fucking ages to recognise voices in any animation/claymation/C.G.I. type-thingy, i mean i'll be sitting watching Kung-Fu Panda or something and instead of really watching the film i'll be trying to figure out who in the f*ck is doing the voice of Master Oogway or something like that. Now while that in itself can be fun - it does take something away from the film if im not giving it my full concentration, and that happened here. I sometimes have to pause the film and check to see who's doing what just so i can watch it in peace afterwards, anyways thats just me.

Back to Fantastic Mr. Fox: I honestly really enjoyed this film waaay more than i thought i would, i shouldn't have been surprised considering it Wes Anderson like but after Where The Wild Things Are (which i enjoyed) i thought this would be the lesser of the two. I was wrong. I can't wait to watch this again - though i don't entirely know if my 5 & 4 year old nieces would sit through it - but i definitely know i will.

A surprisingly great treat of a film. Very good stuff altogether and highly recommended. 4 / 5

Film Review: Vince Vaughn's Wild West Comedy Show

Vince Vaughn's Wild West Comedy Show: 30 Days & 30 Nights.

I had this an thought it'd be another one of those stand-up shows like the blue comedy tour etc. but its a million miles away from anythin like that, the comedy takes a backseat and the story of this motly crew of raggamuffins is the main centre to the show. It deals with how the got to where they are, the troubles they faced and what it all means to them, especially to be given a chance like this - and its all done in a very not-soppy way. When you find out some of the things about them, and especially the way they reveal themselves openly you are left saddened and you can completely empthasize with them. They are not comedians - they are real people. This is a comedy dvd that deals with very different emotions and feelings and there is a number of revelations that you will never see in any other comedy dvd ever. At one stage the tourbus is heading straight into the nightmare that was hurricane katrina and they have to re-schedule their performances, afterwards they meet some of the survivors who are shacked up in a makeshift campervan site (their new permenant home) and you watch it through the comedians eyes - the realisation of just what has happened and the devistation that has been caused. It's a completely different show than i was expecting. This is a powerful, funny and entertaining watch - i'd recommend it if you want to laugh but also if you're willing to let yourself see the real people involved in it too. 3. 5 / 5

Film Review: All The Boys Love Mandy Lane

All The Boys Love Mandy Lane: Yup all of them love her except me cos she a fucking cocktease. So who gives a f*ck if shes suddendly turned into a stunner over the summer break, who gives a f*ck if shes keepin herself pure all this time if theres a motherfuckin serial killer killing all the fellas she hangs around with then im not going the f*ck near her. Jesus! American college boys and their need for the "poontang". Seriously lads, three words: Lower. Your. Standards. Wouldn't happen in Ireland i tell you.

Anyways, the movie's a piece of piss - blaaaadi bladi blaaaaaaaaa she's hot, people get killed, goes on to long, whats that? a big startling revelation, oh my gods!!!! What a surprise, especially in a "horror" film :-O That is so fresh!!!

A.T.B.L.M.L wants to be better than it is. What it is though is a piece of dragged out Shite.

Avoid it like you're the new person in prison and the squirrel master is eyeing you up. 1 / 5