Film Review: The Box

The Box: Firstly is Donnie Darko still worthy of all that praise it got nearly 10 years ago? Have you gone back, re-watched it and thought "This is still as good as i remember it to be" ? Was it ever even a good film in the first place or was it one that was "cool" to like back then because it was "different" ? Was it because it had Drew Barrymore, the Swayze and Dr. Carter offa E.R. playing against type in a knowing-Hollywood sort of way? Was it that the little bubble-boy himself Jakey G was oh-so-cute in it and this had angst-ridden teenage girls swooning over him worldwide? Was it because you could pretentiously say to your friends that they "don't get it" and that you did? I dunno.

The point of these questions is that since David Kelly has been on a downward spiral leading to where we are now, which is nothing but a world of fucking tripe. Was Donnie Darko a one-hit wonder or was it even actually a wonder at all? If memory serves me correct if didn't exactly set the box-office on fire and it was only through retail sales afterwards that it became a cult classic. Cult classic!!! For fuck sake! Cheech & Chong, Howard The Duck and The Killer Tomatoes are all cult classics but that doesn't necessarily mean they're anywhere near being actually any good.

Anyways, onto The Box. Firstly- it's shit. Secondly - do not even bother ever thinking about watching it. Thirdly - it really is shit so honestly, from the bottom of my heart, avoid it. Fourthly - if you don't believe me then that's fine, but for the sake of your kids, or potential future kids, don't watch this, it''ll destroy their little hearts knowing that momma or dada sat through this.

The Box is not good, it is not even worthy of being called bad. It is not a film that could be regarded as funny-shit or even one that could be shit-shit (which can equally be as watchable as funny-shit) it is just a plain ol' unwatchable, unfunny crock of bad-shit. I repeat - it is bad-shit. Of the longevity kind.

In this film Cameron Diaz seems to have a duck-like quality to her that makes me want to switch off the TV every time i see her stupid annoying face. She plays her character with a Virginia accent which is so horribly bad that it overtakes the awfulness of any unintentional comedy that could potentially arise out of it. She is woeful. Frustratingly woeful. Cyclops is nowhere near as bad as he was in X-Men 3 here, but unluckily for him, he is out-matched and out-acted scene in every scene by the Box itself. Talk about being wooden. As for Frank Langella, he went from playing Richard Nixon to this travesty. Obviously he signed on because he has a Harvey Dent-like hole on the side of his face that i guess is supposed to make us go "Wow!!! Look at that amazing CGI!" except for the fact that Harvey Dent has been done and dusted and released on Blu-Ray about a year ago.

If i just told you that at the end of The Box it turns out that they were all Transformers or that they were stuck on an island that itself was trapped in a time-loop or even that they were all killed by a useless psychopathic pointless monster that traveled through their telephones then that would be better than what actually happens. Honestly. It really would.

Don't bother with this film. Ever. The Box is not worthy of being called a bad film or even a bad-bad film - it is a piece of shit film. Avoid it like a fat kid avoids exercise. 0.5 / 5