Film Review: That's My Boy

That's My Boy.

You piece of motherfucking shit. You completely useless, pathetically redundant, frustratingly incompetent excuse for a celluloid event. You barrel-scraping unfunny series of random scenes loosely thrown together to fill two hours - TWO HOURS!!! You couldn't have made it any longer or unfunnier could you Sandler? You Happy Madison soul-sucking money grabbing reunion of sorts - thankfully there was no David Spade or Rob Schneider to sink this used prophylactic any lower in the cistern of life.

Why I thought this Adam Sandler film would be any different than any other Adam Sandler film of recent years I do not know. Dear Jesus, it's bad. I had it in my head that it wouldn't be Grown Ups / Zohan bad (haven't seen Jack & Jill) but it was. It was fucking shite. Just for the record - I very much enjoyed: Happy Gilmore; Little Nicky; Airheads; Punch Drunk Love & Reign Over Me and hated Click, Spanglish, Funny People and Anger Management. I like the man on occasions, fuck; I was hung-over while watching I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry and got teary-eyed. I really am not the best at coping with the ol' hangovers at all. If there was a character based on me in that film The Hangover he would have stayed in bed all day, ate Chinese food and watched films with semi-recognisable TV stars in them until he felt well enough to get up and order some more Chinese food. Which is a much better sounding film than The Hangover 2 was.

Anywho, if you enjoy the type of film that sees someone basically rape a wedding dress mannequin and then puke on it, all done in a completely unfunny and tasteless way, then this film is for you. If you enjoy films where monetary issues plays a major plotpoint in establishing a flimsy story at best - all the while knowing that even though the shit they're actually going through would be quite difficult to deal with in real life - but regardless there can be a 'happy ending' resolution wrote in at any given two-minute warning, then this film is for you. If you enjoy seeing overweight black strippers parade around firing ping-pongs balls from their cooch at yet another unfunny Nick Swardson redneck character or enjoy seeing the implications of Vanilla Ice banging a 90 year old granny or even see enjoy films with premises so lax they involve a whole backstory involving Ginger (from the Ginger Snaps series) as a schoolteacher doing the horizontal boogie with a 13 year old school kid version of Adam Sandler then, yup, you guessed it - this film is certainly the one for you.

The cast, well they are in it. Sandler really needs Dante or Swardson or Covert to just bitchslap him out of this putrid funk he's been in. The 'crazy accent' thing worked for Little Nicky, Billy Madison and The Waterboy - but there really is no need for it here, it's almost like there may even be a hint of embarrassment from him and by adopting the voice he is distancing himself from what he knows is just another piece of tripe that would sit nicely in a George Simmons back catalogue. Not since Zohan has he been as annoying as he is in this - once again, I haven't seen Jack And Jill.

I think the real thing that fucked me off about this and led me to believe it had a shot of being semi-decent was the inclusion of Andy Samberg in the cast. Well, what a complete disappointment he was - no sign of the charm or humour that made Hot Rod the likeable and underrated show that it is. He's a hedge fund pussy-whipped ballless queef of a character (I don't know if he was a hedge fund manager but I swear to fuck I’m not back checking anything I don't have to for this piece of shit film) who, and check this, through the love and support from his estranged father manages to be happy by: quitting his job, cancelling his wedding, getting a Foreigner earring and eating chicken nuggets. That's it. If you were chatting to someone on the street you hadn't seen in ages and they were single with a dodgy pirate earring, eating chicken nuggets and unemployed - the first thought in your head wouldn't be "Awesome" What a life!!!" but "Jesus! What happened to Pete?" - not in Happy Madison land though. I gotta say too - Grandma's Boy totally rocked my socks off - that Super Troopers and Office Space are my three go-to comedy films. This though is a piece of dog shit stuck to the bottom of your good funeral shoes.

The rest of the cast, fuck 'em. There's an attempt to make Vanilla Ice relevant again, Dante shows up looking toasty as shit, Peter Petrecelli - or whatever he's called from Heroes - is there (the plot for him, Jesus, just another reason to hate this film), some chick that sort of resembles Winnie Cooper is there too. She's a fucking dick that no-one would ever want to marry but yet in the first half she's presented as this Olympian goddess and in the second half as a disciple of Beelzebub -good continuity there Sandler. Then there are other people in this as well. I think the background extras are the only people allowed to be happy with That's My Boy as they didn't have any speaking lines - there for are semi-excused from the shitfuck of a creation this is.

I am so disgusted I watched this. To think I thought it might have actually been good just makes me feel embarrassed. I said I’d never give Sandler another chance after so many missteps but I did. Again. And I prey you do not grant him the same courtesy as I have so many times before. That's My Boy is an unbelievably unfunny, plotless, annoying, disappointing, mediocre, waste of human effort and time. If you want to get your Sandler fix go and re-watch his Saturday Night Live performances or his actual enjoyable films from yore, if you want to feel short-changed and fucked off well, That's My Boy is just what you are looking for.

A new low, even for Sandler, though I reckon he secretly enjoys these depths of depravity - otherwise, well, otherwise he's either the smartest man around or he really is that much a gigantic tool. I know what I think anyway. A terrible excuse for a film. Avoid. 1 / 5.